Beginning My Journey

My boys are now 11 and 12. Over the last few years I have really started to realize that I need to be a better father to my boys and a better husband to my wife. I want my sons to grow up with a better example of a father than I had. My dad has stayed married to my mom (which is increasingly rare), but he was at best, an "absent" father. He was rarely there, physically or emotionally. Like so many boys today, I was raised mainly by my mother. And no offense to all of the struggling mothers out there, but they can't really teach a boy how to be a man. Neither of my parents taught me how to be a man.

What does it really mean to be a man?

I don’t really know what it means to be a man, so I find it very hard to teach my sons. I’m 43 and don’t feel like I am a man. No one ever told me that I was a man. There is nothing really in our society that says, "Hey! Now you’re a man." This is different from other cultures. Other cultures have a set time, or a ceremony that marks this transition in a boys life. I feel like I have been going through the motions and just been pretending. Afraid that everyone will find out that I don’t really know what I’m doing. That they will realize that I’m not really a man. That I’m a 43 year old boy, with wrinkles and bad eyesight, but still as immature as an adolescent.

What is a good Father?

What does American society have to say about being a good father. Not much. Look at TV. Are there any examples of good fathers on network TV? I haven't seen any. Most shows don't even show a father. If there is one, he's a joke, or he's just there for comic relief. Our society is not teaching boys how to become real men. They are not providing any positive examples of real men, or real fathers.

For other fathers and husbands out there, I hope that you will start this journey sooner than I did. I saw my oldest son about to become a teenager, and panicked. I’m not ready for this. I know that if I had figured some things out sooner, it would have been much easier. Kids learn what we teach them. Sometimes we teach them intentionally, but most of what they learn is just by watching our example. They learn by seeing what we do, by the way that we treat them, and their mother. My sons have already learned a lot from me, and not all of it is good. If I'm not acting like a man, where are they going to see another example to learn from? I haven’t been an awful dad, just not a great dad. I really want to be a great dad. My kids deserve the best that I can give them. Unfortunately I have acted like many men in our society. I have just been doing the minimum I could to get by. I realize now that this is not good enough.

On a Journey

So I am on a journey to find out what it really means to be a man. What it takes to be a great father and a great husband. And along the way, show my sons what it means. I want to make sure that they know what it takes to be a real man and that they know, unmistakably, when they have reached that milestone. I want them to learn to be a great father so that they can pass this on to their children. The best way for them to learn this is through me. But, before I can teach them, I have to figure it out for myself.

I have to admit that this really scares me! It scares me when I think about the effect that I have on them. I'm not perfect. (not even close) How am I going to teach them when I don't know myself? So, I'm determined to learn, no matter how hard it is, or how scared I am, I am not going to give up.

I have already started learning and changing. A couple of great resource for me have been Family Life, and Focus on the Family. They both have great pod-casts that I download and listen to at work.

There are also a few books that I have started reading. As I learn more, I will try to share what I am learning.

• Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood by Dennis Rainey

• Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood by Robert Lewis

New Years Resolution

New Years Resolutions in September? Well, I made one resolution at the beginning of the year; to stop smoking. I was going to make a post about it on January 1st, but thought that would just be too predictable. (Why follow the crowd?)

I have tried to quit smoking so many times over the years and wasn't sure if this time would be any different. I didn't really want to publicly announce that I was going to quit, and then fail again. I guess I just didn't have the faith that God would lead me out of this addiction.

But, He did. It has been 258 days since I have smoked a cigarette. Yeah!

One reason this has been different is because of my kids. They are now old enough to realize that I was smoking. I really don't want them to smoke when they get older, and I know that I have been a terrible example in this area. They are much more likely to smoke if they have grown up with a smoker.

So I did a couple of things every time I wanted to smoke. 1. Recite 1 Corinthians 10:13, and 2. Imagine my 6 year old puffing away on a cigarette, and then coughing up a lung. That's a terrible image.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Cor. 10:13

So I am thanking God every day that he has given me the strength to quit, and I pray that without my bad example, my kids will never start.

Of course, I have gained 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. That's my next obstacle. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

Just one little change

This is how change orders make me feel.  I get really tired of change orders. The customer and I agree on what they want at the start of the project. I ask them if this is everything.

"Oh, yes. that's everything we need."

So, I write the program, show it to them, then they come up with a list of changes.

"Why doesn't the software do x?"

"Well, you have never mentioned x in any of our conversations over the last 3 months."

They always think it is some minor little change, but it never is. If they had told me about it at the beginning of the project, it might have been easy. But now it requires a complete redesign. Add another two weeks worth of work. And now I can't decide whether to just shove in the new feature, or redesign the whole thing to make it look like it was there from the start.

I know there are going to be more changes. If I just keep shoving the changes in, the program will end up a mess. It will be just a collection of incoherent random stuff, instead of the well designed, user friendly program that the customer and I had both envisioned.

Oh well. That's the way it always seems to happen. You can never get all of the information out of the customer at the start of the project. I need to just get used to it. At least this time the customer is not complaining about the extra time and money.

Does anyone hire experienced programmers?

So here's the dilemma I'm in. I've worked as a contract programmer since about 2 years after I graduated from college. When I first found out that my wife and I were going to have kids, I set up my "great plan".

My plan was to keep working as a contract programmer while my kids were little. This would let me work out of the house most of the time and give me lots of flexibility to spend time with my kids while they were little. I would then get my Masters of Business Administration, and when my kids were older and started school I would get a job in management and my wife would return to teaching. It seemed like a good plan at the time.

Everything seemed to be going fine for the first few years. It was great working from home. I was there with my wife and kids most of the time. I was there for all my kids "firsts;" when they first rolled over, crawled, walked, said their first words. I was there to help change diapers and feed them. When my wife got stressed out, I was there to help and give her some time off.

When my second child was born, I worked my butt off and got my MBA while I was still working full time. Then came time for my kids to go to school. After a lot of prayer and consideration, my wife and I decided to homeschool the kids. We have only been homeschooling for 2 1/2 years, but we love it. It has turned out to be a great decision in every regard, except financially - my wife did not return to a paying job. However, the pros greatly outweigh the cons.

Now I have started looking for that job in management, and have found the flaw in my "great plan." Since I have been working for myself for the past 12 years, I don't have any experience in management. No one wants to hire a manager with no experience; MBA or not. It seems that the vast majority of companies do not advertise job openings for management. I guess that they promote from within. Also, I am finding out that they don't hire many experienced programmers. They seem to want kids right out of college, or even young kids with no formal education. They see this as much cheaper.

So now where do I go? There aren't jobs for experience programmers. No one will hire me as an entry level programmer because they think I will be bored and will want too much money. If I want to get into management I have to take an entry level position, take a huge pay cut, and work my way up.

The only options I see now are to continue working on contract positions (which are getting increasingly hard to find) or change careers.

Any advice?

Frugal Living for the Family - Advice and tips for the tightwad

Frugal Living for the Family - Advice and tips for the tightwad

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